According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, while the divorce rate is even higher, between 60% – 70%, for second marriages. These stats seem to point to the institution of marriage as insufficient to meet our needs in contemporary society, not individual failure.
The decision to get divorced should never be taken lightly. Most people going through a divorce will tell you that it’s one of the most stressful times in their lives. Regardless of who initiates a divorce, feelings of loss and grief are to be expected. It can also lead to increased anxiety, depression, loneliness, and other mental health problems.
Beyond the emotional and psychological aspects of divorce, it can also create financial and legal challenges, especially when children are involved.
If you are considering whether to get divorced or not, you may be asking yourself, “Should we stay together for the sake of the kids?”
Decades ago, experts advised married couples to stay together despite any problems in their relationship. While that advice may have changed over time, there is no denying the impact divorce has on children.
There are several reasons why divorce may be warranted including untreated mental illness, violence in the home, abuse, incest, and emotional unavailability–allowing everyone in the home to breathe easier once the offending parent is gone.
How children respond to divorce largely depends on their age and personal development. To help a child cope, parents should remain sensitive to their child’s needs. Children may experience feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and fear. They may also develop problems in school.
Feelings of failure and shame following a divorce are fairly normal. According to psychologists, these thoughts are learned from a very young age from our role models and religious teachers. Different religions have different perceptions of divorce. Some accept it as a fact of life, while others only believe it is right under certain circumstances like adultery. (Wikipedia) Some religions allow remarriage after divorce, and others believe it is inherently wrong leaving you to feel judged, and this makes matters worse. (Wikipedia)
To reduce feelings of failure, you need to change your perspective and beliefs about your life and societal institutions, and social norms.
Stop thinking you failed at your marriage. Instead think of it as a life lesson.
Take time to reflect: Ask why you got married… Was it the “thing to do” or because you were pregnant or afraid to grow old alone? What have you learned about yourself in marriage and what should be different in a future relationship? Remember, there were two of you in your marriage. It can be easy to blame yourself or a spouse when a marriage ends in divorce. However, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s the failure, not either of the spouses.
Licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Karen Finn says, a spouse’s role is just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles that may define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse, especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure and you’re so much greater than a failure.”
It’s impossible to get over a divorce quickly. It takes time to move on and heal. When you are ready for a new relationship, take a look at what was satisfactory and unsatisfactory to you about your marriage, what worked and didn’t work, what you want to find again, and what you might need to be different in the future.
Divorce is a very personal decision, and no one can tell you what’s right for you or your family. All you can do is be patient with the process and manage your stress and expectations as best as you can. Eating healthy, exercising, and doing the things you enjoy can help.
Listen to this episode of Speaking Candidly with Candace The Divorce Dilemma featuring Virginia family law attorney Lynn Bradley. It is a must for anyone contemplating divorce. Lynn discusses with us the various legal options of divorce along with their risks and benefits.