Breakups are often seen as the ultimate end to romantic relationships. Yet, many individuals choose to maintain friendships with their former partners. Research indicates that approximately 60% of people remain friends with at least one ex-partner. As psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer puts it, “Just because a romantic relationship ends doesn’t mean the value of the person disappears.” For some, friendship becomes a natural evolution rather than a complete severing of ties.
However, not everyone understands or accepts this dynamic. Maintaining a close relationship with an ex can seem unusual—or even threatening—to new partners, who may struggle with jealousy or insecurity.
Emotional Security and Sentimentality
One of the main reasons people choose to stay friends with former lovers is the emotional comfort and sense of security that comes from shared memories and the support once given to each other. Psychologist Theresa DiDonato explains that these emotional connections can help with attachment issues, making the shift from romantic partners to friends reassuring and rewarding.
Practical Considerations
Beyond the emotional connection, practical factors often influence the decision to stay friends after a breakup. Shared responsibilities—such as co-parenting, joint finances, or owning a home together can make it necessary to maintain a relationship, even if it’s no longer romantic. In addition, there may be social considerations, like mutual friends or being part of the same community that make a clean break more complicated. While these reasons may be less about feelings and more about logistics, they still play a vital role in why some people choose to stay connected with an ex.
Unresolved Romantic Feelings
In some cases, lingering romantic feelings may influence a person’s decision to remain friends with a former lover. The hope of rekindling romance or holding on to a sense of what once was can make the friendship more emotionally complex. Many therapists say this kind of attachment can interfere with the healing process, making it harder to fully move forward and create space for new, healthier relationships.
Cultural and Community Influences
Cultural contexts and community also play a role. In LGBTQ+ communities, for instance, maintaining friendships with exes is often more common, reflecting the intertwined nature of social and romantic networks within these communities.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
it is critical to establish clear boundaries for a post-breakup friendship to work, This includes talking about intentions, mutual respect, and an understanding of each other’s emotional state.
How long should you wait before tryiing to be friends again?
There is no universal clock, but most experts recommend a solid “cool‑down” window before embarking on a friendship with an ex.
Every relationship is different: a short-term fling might only need a few weeks, while a ten-year marriage could require a year or more, especially if children or emotional trauma are involved. Because emotional bonds take time to loosen, giving yourself space after a breakup increases the likelihood of forming a healthy, lasting friendship down the road. Staying to intertwined too soon can prolong the process from a romantic partnership to a platonic one.
To learn more about creating health relationships and attachment styles, click here.
Written by Candace Schoner, Host and Producer of the podcast Voices for Mental Health