We’ve all been there—feeling frustrated with someone who refuses to admit they’re wrong, interrupts just to respond, or constantly tries to control situations. You may even be guilty of some of these behaviors from time to time. I know I have.
These behaviors can leave us feeling unheard, invalidated, or drained. But before we label them as “toxic” or “impossible,” it’s worth asking: why do people act this way? Are they wired differently? And is it even their fault?
1. The Struggle to Admit Being Wrong
Admitting fault isn’t just about honesty—it touches on identity, self-esteem, and even survival instincts. For some people, acknowledging they’re wrong feels like admitting they’re less competent or less worthy. Psychology research suggests this often stems from:
- Ego protection: Their self-image feels fragile, so they defend it at all costs.
- Upbringing: If mistakes were punished harshly in childhood, they may have learned to deny wrongdoing to avoid shame.
- Perfectionism: Believing “I must always be right” makes mistakes feel unbearable.
2. Listening to Respond, Not to Understand
We’ve all met someone who seems more interested in their next comeback than truly hearing what’s said. Psychologists link this to:
3. The Need for Control
- High reactivity: They’re focused on defending themselves rather than connecting.
- Poor emotional regulation: Their brain is already preparing a response before fully processing the message.
- Need for validation: They may equate talking with being valued, so they prioritize their voice over yours.
Control often masks deeper fears and insecurities. People who struggle to let go may:
- Fear uncertainty: Control provides a sense of safety in a chaotic world.
- Have trust issues: If others let them down in the past, they may micromanage to avoid disappointment.
- Use control as coping: It becomes their way of managing anxiety or trauma.
Are They Wired Differently?
Yes—and no. Personality traits, early life experiences, and even brain wiring all play a role. For example:
- Neurobiology: Some people have more active amygdalas (the brain’s “threat detector”), which can make them defensive or controlling.
- Attachment styles: Insecure attachment can fuel the need for control or defensiveness.
- Cognitive styles: People vary in flexibility of thinking—some find it harder to shift perspective or admit fault.
So while these behaviors can be frustrating, they’re often less about choice and more about conditioning and wiring.
Is It Their Fault?
Not exactly. Responsibility is different from fault.
- Not their fault: Many of these behaviors are learned survival strategies. They developed for a reason—often to protect the person from pain or rejection.
- But their responsibility: As adults, it’s up to them to become aware of these patterns and work on healthier ways of relating to others.
How to Cope When You Encounter These Behaviors
- Don’t take it personally – their defensiveness usually reflects their own fears, not your worth.
- Set boundaries – you don’t have to engage in every argument or power struggle.
- Practice empathy without enabling – you can understand their psychology without excusing harmful behavior.
- Model what you want – show humility, listen deeply, and allow flexibility. Sometimes people learn best by example.
Bottom line: People who struggle with admitting fault, listening deeply, or letting go of control aren’t “bad”—they’re often stuck in protective patterns. While it’s not their fault, it is their responsibility to grow. And for us, understanding the psychology behind their behavior can help us respond with more patience, healthier boundaries, and less frustration.